OTHER IMPORTANT INFORMATION The information on Suite618.org and its links to other web sites are provided solely for informational purposes and not as a substitute for medical care or the advice of a licensed physician. No physician-patient relationship is intended or implied through this website. We can not answer questions regarding health or medical inquiries for or from individuals with whom we do not have a present medical relationship. Please remember that content of websites can change at any time. Information may, after awhile, be outdated or incomplete. We do not endorse nor can we assure that the contents of the referenced sites are the same as when we last reviewed them. Any Information derived from Suite618.org, vfidele.yourmd.com or its links to other web sites should not be construed as professsional (eg, real estate, law, tax, health...) advice. Seek advice from your respective licensed professional, as applicable. The office of Vanessa H. Fidele, MD, FAAP or associates can not be responsible for your visits or consequence of your visits through the internet. If you have a child/children, we suggest you monitor his/her ventures through cyberspace. Embrace the vast potential of the internet but, as in life and your health, don't throw caution to the winds! PRIVACY POLICY Your privacy is important to us. Due to the very nature of the internet, we can not guarantee your absolute privacy. This site uses cookies to provide demographical information on visitors such as how many people are visiting per day/year, which pages are viewed and how often. We use this Site Statistic Report for information only. We do not compile any personally identifiable information regarding your visits nor do we sell or rent any information to third parties. Keep in mind though, that other sites you visit may use cookies for their own purpose whether specified or not. It is your choice to accept or decline cookies. If it helps, follow our rule of thumb: Don't take cookies from strangers. For more information regarding internet cookies and your privacy, please take the time to visit: All rights reserved. No reproduction, distribution, or transmission is permitted without the written permission from the office of Vanessa H. Fidele, MD or its associates. Our office address is: Vanessa H. Fidele, MD, FAAP, Pearlridge Office Center, Suite 618, 98-211 Pali Momi Street, Aiea, HI 96701-4337 This site is updated and maintained by KRIS the Business Manager 808.486.7799 |
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Preventing Spoiled Children Barton D. Schmitt, MD Your Child's Health THE PROBLEM A "spoiled" child is undisciplined, manipulative, and unpleasant to be with much of the time. He exhibits many of the following behaviors by 2 or 3 years of age: The main cause of a spoiled child is a parent who gives the child too much power by failing to set limits and giving in to tantrums and whining. Such parents also tend to rescue the child from normal frustatrations (waiting, sharing, and not getting everything he wants, for example). The reason some parents have difficulty setting limits is that they confuse the child's needs--for things such as food and affection--with the childs wants or whims--for extra play or a later bedtime, for example. They do not want to hurt thier child's feelings or cause him to cry. In the process, they may take the short-term solution of doing whatever prevents crying. In the long run, however, this approach only causes more crying. There may be a small epidemic of spoiling in our country because some working parents come home feeling guilty about not having enough time for their children. As a result, they spend their free time together trying to avoid any friction or limit-setting. Occasionally, the source of the spoiling is a nanny or baby-sitter who provides constant entertainment and gives in to unrealistic demands. There is much confusion about the difference between giving children needed attention and actually spoiling them. In general, attention is good for children. Indeed, it is essential to normal development. Holding babies and young children is equivalent to loving them. People in many cultures hold their babies much more than we do. Yet some parents worry unnecessarily that giving too much of this form of attention will spoil their child. Babies and children need lots of holding, and it does not spoil them. Attention can become harmful, however, if it is excessive, given at the wrong time, or always given immediately. Attention is excessive when it interferes with a child's learning to do things for himself and deal with life's frustrations. One wrong time to give attention is when you are busy and your child is making demands that don't require an immediate response. Another wrong time is when a child has just misbehaved and needs to be ignored. If you always give your child attention as soon as he asks for it, he won't learn to wait. Without intervention, spoiled children run into trouble by school age. Other children do not like them because they are too bossy and selfish. Adults do not like them because they are rude and make excessive demands. Eventually, spoiled children's behavior makes it hard even for parents to love them. As a reaction to not getting along well with other children and adults, such children eventually become unhappy. They may show reduced motivation and perseverance in schoolwork. Because of poor self-control, they may become involved in adolescent risk-taking behaviors, such as drug abuse or sexual promiscuity. Overall, spoiling a child prepares the child poorly for life in the real world. THE SOLUTION Provide age-appropriate limits or rules for your child. Children need external controls until they develop self-control and self-discipline. Parents have the right and responsibility to take charge and make rules. They must keep their child's environment safe, for example. Age-appropriate discipline must begin by the time the child starts to crawl. Saying No occasionally is good for children. Your child will still love you after you say No. If your kids like you all the time, you're not being a good parent. Require cooperation with important rules. Your child must be in the habit of responding properly to your directions long before she enters school. Important rules include staying in the carseat, not hitting other children, being ready to leave on time in the morning, going to bed on time, and so on. These decisions are not open to negotiation; do not give your child a choice when there is none. Even young children can be allowed to make decisions about some things, however: which cereal to eat, book to read, toys to take into the tub, and clothes to wear. Make sure your child understands the difference between areas in which she has choices (control) and those in which she must obey your rules. Try to keep important rules to no more than ten or 12 items for children 2 to 5 years of age, and be willing to go to the mat about them. Also, make sure that all adult caretakers enforce the rules consistently. Expect some crying. Distinguish between crying related to needs and crying related to wants. Needs include pain, hunger, or fear. In these cases, respond immediately. Other crying is harmless. Crying usually relates to your child's wants or whims. It is a normal response to change or frustration. Don't punish your child for crying, or tell him he's a crybaby, or tell him he shouln't cry. While not denying him his feelings, don't be moved by his crying. To compensate for the extra crying your child does when you are tightening up on the rules, provide extra cuddling and enjoyable activities at a time when he is not crying or having a tantrum. There are times when it is necessary to temporarily withhold attention and comforting to help your child learn something important, such as that he must not pull on your hair or earrings. Do not allow tantrums to succeed. Children throw temper tantrums to get your attention, to wear you down, to change your mind, and to get their way--in other words, to change your No vote to a Yes. Tantrums may include whining, complaining, crying, breath-holding, pounding the floor, shouting, or slamming a door. As long as your child stays in one place and is not too disruptive or in a position to harm herself, you can leave her alone at these times. By all means, don't give in to tantrums. Don't overlook discipline during quality time. If you are a working parent, you'll want to spend part of each evening with your child. This special time needs to be enjoyable but also based in reality. Don't ease up on the rules. If your child misbehaves, remind him of the limits. Even during fun activitie, you need to be the parent. Don't start democratic childrearing until your child can participate in a meaningful way. Don't give away your power as a parent. Be careful not to discuss the rules too much with your 2-year-old. Toddleres don't play by the rules--they don't accept that such matters as seat belts and bedtime are non-negotiable. You can begin to reason with your child about discipline by 4 or 5 years of age, but she still lacks the judgment necessary to make rules. During the grade school years, show a willingness to discuss the rules. By 14 to 16 years of age, your adolescent can negotiate with you as an adult. Ask for her input about what rules or consequences would be fair. Rules, in other words, become joint decisions. The more democratic the parents are during the first two or three years, the more demanding children tend to become. Generally, young children do not know what to do with power. Left to their own devices, they ususally spoil themselves. If they are testing everything at 3 years of age, they may have this tendency for the rest of their lives. If you have already given away your power, take it back by setting new limits and enforcing them. You don't have to explain the reason for every rule. Sometimes it's just because you said so. Teach your child to entertain himself. Your "job" is to provide toys, books, and art supplies. Your child's "job" is to play with them.. Assuming that you talk to and play with your child several hours a day you do not need to become your child's constant playmate. Nor do you need to constantly provide him with an outside friend. When you're busy, expect your child to amuse himself. Even children 1 year of age can keep themselves occupied for 15-minute blocks of time. By 3 years of age, most children can entertain themselves half the time. Sending your child outside to "find something to do" is doing him a favor. Much creative play, thinking, and daydreaming result from solving boredom. If you can't seem to resign as social director, enroll your child in a play group or preschool to share the responsibility. Teach your child to wait. Waiting helps children deal with frustration. All jobs, and many other situations, in the adult world involve some degree of frustration. Delaying immediate gratification is a trait your child must learn gradually. It takes practice. Don't feel guilty if you have to make your child wait a few minutes now and then; don't allow her to interrupt your conversation with others in person or on the telephone, for example. Waiting doesn't hurt her as long as she doesn't become overwhelmed or unglued by it. Waiting can actually enhance her perseverance and emotional fitness. Don't rescue your child from life's normal challenges. Changes such as moving and starting school are normal life stresses. They provide your child with opportunities for learning and solving problems. Always be available and supportive, but don't help your child if he can handle the situation for himself. Overall, make your child's life as realistic as he can tolerate for his age, rather than going out of your way to make it as pleasant as possible. His coping skills and self-confidence will benefit from this practice. Don't overpraise your child. Children need praise, but it can be overdone. Praise your child for good behavior and for following the rules. Encourage her to try new things and work on difficult tasks. But teach her to do things for her own reasons, too. Self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment come from completing things she is proud of. Praising your child while she is in the process of doing something may make her stop at each step and want more praise. Giving constant attention can make her "praise-dependent" and demanding. Avoid the tendency (so common with the first-born) to over praise your child's normal developmental progress. Teach your cihld to respect parents' rights and time together. The needs of your children for love, food, clothing, safety, and security obviously come first, but your needs come next. Your children's wants and whims (longer playtime, an extra bedtime story) should come after your needs are met and as time is available in the day. This is especially important for working parents whose family time is limited. It is both the quality and quantity of time you spend with your children that is important. Quality time is enjoyable, interactive, and focused on your child. Children need some quality time with their parents every day. But spending every free moment of every evening and weekend with your child is not good for your child or your marriage. You need a balance to preserve your mental health. Scheduled nights out with your mate will nurture your marriage and help you return to parenting with more to give. Your child must learn to trust other adults; he needs to know he can survive separations. If he isn't taught to respect your rights, he may not respect the rights of other adults. |
Suite618.org The office of Vanessa H. Fidele, MD, FAAP |
* doesn't follow rules or cooperate with suggestions * doesn't respond to No, Stop, or other commands * protests everything * doesn't know the difference between his needs and his wants * insists on having his own way * makes unfair or excessive demands on others * doesn't respect other people's rights * tries to control other people * has a low frustration tolerance * frequently whines or throws tantrums * constantly complains about being bored. |
Call Dr. Fidele's office during regular hours if: * You feel your child is becoming spoiled. * You and your spouse often disagree about issues of discipline. * Your child doesn't improve after two months of tightening up on limit-setting. * You have other questions or concerns. |
DR. SCHMITT is a director of general consultative services, The Children's Hospital of Denver, and professor of pediatrics, University of Colorado School of Medicine. |
Simply close this page to EXIT. If you have reached this page from other than www.Suite618.org and would like to get to our home page, Otherwise, simply close this page to EXIT. |
OTHER IMPORTANT INFORMATION The information on Suite618.org and its links to other web sites are provided solely for informational purposes and not as a substitute for medical care or the advice of a licensed physician. No physician-patient relationship is intended or implied through this website. We can not answer questions regarding health or medical inquiries for or from individuals with whom we do not have a present medical relationship. Please remember that content of websites can change at any time. Information may, after awhile, be outdated or incomplete. We do not endorse nor can we assure that the contents of the referenced sites are the same as when we last reviewed them. Any Information derived from Suite618.org, vfidele.yourmd.com or its links to other web sites should not be construed as professsional (eg, real estate, law, tax, health...) advice. Seek advice from your respective licensed professional, as applicable. The office of Vanessa H. Fidele, MD, FAAP or associates can not be responsible for your visits or consequence of your visits through the internet. If you have a child/children, we suggest you monitor his/her ventures through cyberspace. Embrace the vast potential of the internet but, as in life and your health, don't throw caution to the winds! PRIVACY POLICY Your privacy is important to us. Due to the very nature of the internet, we can not guarantee your absolute privacy. This site uses cookies to provide demographical information on visitors such as how many people are visiting per day/year, which pages are viewed and how often. We use this Site Statistic Report for information only. We do not compile any personally identifiable information regarding your visits nor do we sell or rent any information to third parties. Keep in mind though, that other sites you visit may use cookies for their own purpose whether specified or not. It is your choice to accept or decline cookies. If it helps, follow our rule of thumb: Don't take cookies from strangers. For more information regarding internet cookies and your privacy, please take the time to visit: All rights reserved. No reproduction, distribution, or transmission is permitted without the written permission from the office of Vanessa H. Fidele, MD or its associates. Our office address is: Vanessa H. Fidele, MD, FAAP, Pearlridge Office Center, Suite 618, 98-211 Pali Momi Street, Aiea, HI 96701-4337 This site is updated and maintained by KRIS the Business Manager 808.486.7799 |
